Friendships/fear/jealousy/God in the midst of it all

Recently I have been thinking about a lot things-friendships being one of these things. I have realized that over the years I have had many friends. Looking back, would I consider these friends real friends, or did they even consider me a real friend?

Everyone knows that sometimes when you become good/best friends with someone you eventually assume that you and that friend will be friens for the remainder of your life just because of the way things may seem. Things go so good for a while, but then life gets in the middle of it all and that friendship may seem to fade away and eventually disappear. I hate that feeling. Even when you mention it to that person how you feel about it all, they may respond with, well remember the good times, that's all that matters and we will always be friends. This has happened to me recently with a friend who I never really talked to a lot this semester. Life caught the best of us, but when that is said to me I never seem to trust it. I guess you can say I feel scared about the entire situation. To be honest any friendship I have that is with a best friend I always feel scared about. I have always been scared of being rejected, or letting the best of life get in the middle of it all and allowing my relationships to fade away. Mostly because when I was in 8th grade year when my sister basically left in the middle of the day, the day before my birthday, and went back to Chicago without telling anyone anything. My sister and I were very close, and still are today, but when she left I felt rejected, more than ever before. I felt alone and just left hanging. I mean we were best friends, we told each other everything. She never even said good-bye or told me Happy Birthday before she left. This was the biggest rejection I have ever felt through out my life. As an 8th grader, 12 years old, you may think that you don't completely realize the details of everything that is going on, but I did realize it. I knew the exact emotion that I felt when I came home and saw that all of her stuff was gone. I wasn't sad or angry; I simply felt completely rejected. I began to allow that rejection to become my fear. Fear is not something that I should allow in my life, but I always have allowed it to take over a big portion of my life.

Although I have forgiven my sister, I have still allowed that fear of rejection to take over my life. I have done so many things in life to try and impress people or try and "fit in." Sometimes, looking back I wonder why would I allow my self to do that? Why would I let fear take over MY life? While my sister wants to pretend that her life is all jolly, I am sitting around wondering why I have always felt this huge burden of fear over my life. I have allowed so many friendships to crash and burn, because I allowed fear to take over many aspects of my life- especially my friendships. I realy wish that every good friend that I make in life will always be there, but in reality not everyone will, in which I have learned this the hardest way possible. Sometimes I regret allowing myself to let fear take charge, and not let God take charge. I did allow God to completely take over my life at one point in my life, but I slowly let Satan seep through the small wounds in my life that have not been properly sealed. I have been seeking God out so much lately on my friendships, and asking Him what I need to do to not feel this way, and tonight I have realized that it is simply fear- I am to not allow fear take over any aspect of my life anymore. I understand that not every friend will stay in my life for ever, but that I need to just cherish the time I have now with all of my frends, before it's too late, and I miss out on a good friendship in life, because I was too focused on my fear. I have now realized why I always feel as if I will eventually be rejected by the good friends that I have or have had in the past- simply because of fear.

I not only allowed the feeling of rejection to turn into my fear, but I allowed my fear to turn into jealousy as well. I see my best friends relationships with other people, and I assume that is how my relationship with that friend should be, but that is merely jealousy with fear and fear with rejection; the fear of losing that friend because I may not do something that one of their other friends does. I now realize why I have lossed friendships in the passed. The same thing with my friends and their sisters/brothers. I see how close they are to their siblings, because they are able to, their siblings are around, and I allow jealousy to take over my mind and then right with that fear comes in, and then I allow that to hurt my heart and think back to the day I was rejected by my own. I will no longer be thinking that way. I have let the rejection turn into fear and allow jealousy to step in as well. Like a friend said-they all coincide.

As my friend David stated in his blog that he posted earlier today, "Through this fear that is found in jealousy, you'll actually see it to start push people away from your life instead of keeping them there." That is a big thing that kind of hit me the most from his blog about Jealousy-Fear. It is so true, because I have experienced that! I allowed the jealousy/fear take over my mind and life, and that pushed people away from me rather than draw then towards me, and that is something I never want to happen in my life EVER again! I am determined to continue seeking God, and allow Him to begin taking over my life once again, like before!
God, To you I give my life, Not just the parts I want to; To you I sacrifice, these dreams that I hold on to, To you I give my future, because your thoughts are higher than mine, because your words are deeper than mine, because your love is stronger than mine....This is no sacrifice, Here is my life!
1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."