Re-Evaluation

So over the last week, I have been trying to re-evaluate things in my life. For example, drinking. I have decided not to drink to get drunk anymore. Since I have decided that about two weeks ago, I have only had ONE drink. I now feel a lot better, and I seem to get so much more done through out the days. Over the course of the last ten months I feel as if those last ten months barely ever existed, as if they were just memories drifted away into the thin air that we breathe. I now feel good mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the last two weeks, I have been in the greatest of moods, and I couldn't ask for more.

Another thing that has been bothering me a lot are expectations. I always feel like others around me expect so much out of me. It is how I have always felt through out my life. I try and try to do the best that I can every day to impress others. Now, in my mind, why does it matter? I feel as if they are meaningless. I have also come to the realization that doing this annoys me; I can only imagine what my friends around me feel when I act this way.Will my impressions on people matter in the end when I die and am no longer living on Earth. I believe impressions are good, but they are not necessary enough for one to feel as if they must try and impress the people you call your best friends or family on a daily basis. If they really are your best friends or your family, what you do with your life should not matter, as long as it is not detrimental to your life.

Trust is a big factor with in any relationships-friendships, dating, or business related. Without trust nothing can be productive. When one finds out the other is not always completely honest or trustworthy, what is the point of that relationship that person may think. It does create a bit of a gap between the two now, but that one who is not completely trustworthy must work on that, and build that part of your relationship back up. If you choose not to, or be negligent towards this factor, then your relationships will soon crumble. The point is that if obviously someone is pointing this out to you, it is something you must work on immediately. One must be completely honest in order to allow their relationships to prosper and be continuous.

God- So as many people know, my freshman year of high school I was really into God. I had a fantastic relationship with Him. After freshman year, I began to completely drift away from God and His ways. My state of mind changed, my daily routine changed, what I listened to from around the world changed. My state of mind drastically changed on a lot of aspects in life. Not many of you who are reading this know, but in my mind, I feel as if I have been "church damaged." There was an incident that totally altered my mind about people within the chruch that I went to with my parents since I moved to Texas from Chicago. The people that I felt were the closest to me betrayed me. They made up stories about a certain incident, and even try to put the blame entirely on me. Naturally, the parents of those would believe their own children. These parents were good friends with my parents. These were the people who always told me, "Rudy if you ever need anything we are here for you" "Rudy if you need to talk let us know, we have all the time in the world" "Rudy you are an awesome young man of God" After this incident these were the people who made me feel not welcome anymore. Things were talked about, 90% of it not being true that those people may still believe is true which is sad, because they are supposed to be the loving people of God. This is what made me completely angry. The people who made it seem like I would always be safe when being at church or being around their families, the ones who told me "Rudy if you ever need anything we are here for you, we love you" were the same ones who condemned me. These were the same ones who started to get second thoughts of who I "really" was, and I am thinking to my self, shouldn't I be the one getting the second thoughts of them. Aren't they the ones who acted even more fake than they already were after the incident. They were the ones trying to keep my head straight for God other than my parents. Because of that, I havn't felt the presence of God in that church ever since I have gone there again. I left that church from under my parents, and began searching for another. Prior to this there were several other incidents, but by this time I surrender and allow them to be satisfied with their own selves. So this time it wasn't my first time searching for another church. I finally found one that I enjoyed going to, and I felt God's presence every time I was there. I made some pretty good friends there, and I can stay that I still hold on to those friendships with out a doubt. Even though I stopped going that church because lately I have strayed away from God, I still keep those relationships with the friends that I made there. The reason I stopped going to church there was because I simply just got burnt out with how I lived my life for God. I was burnt out from trying to find that one place that I could honestly feel that some people there notice me, and some people relate to me. A lot of what keeps our eyes gazed towards God, is the relationships we have that help us stay in that gaze towards Him. Without those relationships, there is no church, because a church is just a building. I recently went back to a church that is close to where I usually am at- near Richardson. I liked it a lot, but I havn't got to know the people well yet, because I have only gone once. The main reason I am explaining this is because I feel that the background of my relationship status with God includes all of the above on this topic. So basically, college started and I strayed away from God more than ever before. I was completely into partying and not caring about anything but that. I was drunk 90% of the time in the last ten months. I gained a lot of weight because of all of the drinking that I have been doing, and obviously sometimes when you're drunk you like to eat late at night and that I did. Two weeks ago I started feeling some complications with my chest. It felt as if someone was squeezing the hell out of my heart, and I definitly knew that something was wrong with me. Well the doctor in the hospital said it was some virus. He gave me medicine for it, and I guess the virus is away. I also went to my own personal doctor and got blood work done. I was fine. Since the time I went to the ER I stopped drinking, and like I said above I have felt so much better. Over the last week I have also tried my hardest to seek God out again. I did anything. I talked with God, I listened to praise and worship music, I prayed every night which was something that I hadn't done in a while. To my amazement, God was listening to me. Fantastic! So many things have come my way over the last week. My heart has been feeling fine, I feel so much more out going about life, my mind has been more open to others thoughts than just my own though I still struggle with this, I got a huge promotion at work in which I thought I woudn't get for a while. A friend of mine and I had a conversation the other night and it was brilliant. Me and him are on the same page about huge "mega churches" or even going to church in general. You don't need 8,000 people to have a church. Without true, real, down to earth, honest people who you can fellowship with and be completely honest with, there is NO CHURCH. The people make up the church, and God instills into each person the ability to fellowship with one another be there for each other to allow them to continue pressing on forward towards God. This can be any where. I can have church in my room, in my car, in a field, or at work. It does not matter if one goes to church; it is simply the relationships that you have with one another to aspire one another to continue having a strong relationship with God. I couldn't be more clear than that, and this is my story on church, and my development with the relationship I yearn for with God. As my friend mentioned last night about what Jesus said, "this is my command; love each other" John 15:17. My friend said that God truly desires for his followers to love one another and not have their focus on the entire world; God wants us to love who we know- our enemies, friends, family, the single mothers that we know, the broken people that we know that are around us daily. We must focus on them before/rather the entire world. ------"Jesus said love one another, not the entire world" -Mother Teresa

I have friends now that don't live their lives for God as I did when I was a freshman. I don't believe that is is necesarry for everyone to have a relationship with God the way I did when I was a freshman in high school. Everyone has their own way of loving God, the way I do it is my own personal way, just as everyone else. I know there is a God, I know what can come about in my life for seeking God out. Not everyone may agree; I am sure I have friends who will read this and not agree with a lot of what I say, but that is their own opinion. I don't dog on any one elses personal beliefs about anything in life, and I think that is the way it should be with any one. Having a relationship with God is just something that I haven't had in the last couple of years, recently especially.

A lot of people in life need some kind of relaxation. Some where to get away for just a minute. Over Spring Break I went to Puerto Rico. Although I was drunk every night it was good to just be away. When I got back I felt so relaxed and just refreshed, but I still needed something more than just a trip to get drunk on. I needed something to let my mind just go free for a semi long period of time. I recently went on a road trip with a great friend of mine to Kansas. You are probably asking your self, Kansas? Why the hell would someone want to go there. When my friend told me she was driving to Kansas for a day I said awesome I'm in. So I went. The night before we had a brillaint conversation, and I enjoyed it. My time spent with her on the road was also brilliant. Just being able to keep driving and driving relaxes me. Being in her ultra tiny small town of only 700 people, it was soothing to me. I have never been in a town of just that many people. I am from the big city-Chicago. Why in God's world what I go there- well because I knew it would relax me and chill me out, because I know that I needed it. As I was riding around in the car with my friend I just looked around at everything. I was amazed at the calm life style every one had in this area. Traffic consisted of 4 cars at a stop light. Very young kids could just sit at the corner and play games with one another and while the 18 wheeler passes by they signal for the truck driver to honk. Just the innocence of these kids amazed me. I suddenly realized that I yearn to have the heart of a child again. I have been so caught up with the technicalities of life, that I have lost any sense to just feel free to enjoy life, rather than always worry about something going wrong or worry what people will think of every single one of my actions, because like I said above, what does it matter when we all die what others think. After a quick stop to just enjoy the breezy sunny fields in the middle of no where, I felt completely refreshed, and I won't forget those kids that are able to feel naturally safe playing games at the corner with other friends.

Re-evaluating life has never felt more refreshing as it has been over the course of this last week.
These have been my thoughts over the last week and if you would, let me know what you think.

Feedback is always accepted :D