My biggest weakness---heart

This is just something that came back as a result for a quiz that I took on facebook last week and thought I would share it. Crazy because, I think it describes my biggest weakness very well.

You are often loved because of your outgoing and fun personality, and you like to give hugs and flirt, but underneath it all you are lacking heart. You find it hard to love others through all the walls you've built around your heart from being hurt so much throughout your life, but you want to love, you desperately want that fun, romance that you see in others, but you don't know if you can have it in your current circumstances. You want stability, but at the same time you need change. You go from one extreme to another and often feel overwhelmed when you can't figure out something. You think about your life often and how you can improve your character. You find it hard to settle, but you really want to. You just feel like you need to find that balance, that heart that you've been missing for so long. You need to love through the pain, but it's so hard. But the walls need to crumble for you to truly be you...

WOW CAN'T WAIT FOR COLORADO BECAUSE I KNOW I NEED CHANGE!!! =D

Reforming/Velvet Elvis

So today, my friend Tyler and I had a conversation at Smoothie Factory. It was a really good convo we had. I mentioned the book Velvet Elvis that was given to me by a friend last summer, the summer of 2008. I read the first two chapters of it and stopped and I have not touched it since. Tonight, I started it from the beginning; Tyler said that he thinks I would really get a lot out of it and learn a lot if I take the time to read it thoroughly at this point in my life.

I am completely tired of trying to be reformed. It usually eventually leads me back to what I was doing before I wasn't reformed. I need to focus more on reforming, because when something is reformed, that's it, it is over. But when something is reforming, it is endless, the process continuously grows and the different aspects of this reforming can actually be revisited & rethought. I have realized that when one decides to try and be reformed, or renewed, it usually ends up being transient, because you are more focused on being reformed rather than reforming. It has come to my attention today that I have to embrace what ever will help me be more and more the person God really wants me to be. I need to fully be motivated about reforming my life rather than allow it to be reformed. This motivation basically needs to come from myself. All bullshit aside, I need to do it for myself and not constantly rely on the accountability of others, because these others will not always be there for me, these others are not endless people and also don't have endless time, generosity, or capabilities for me. When you rely on the accountability of someone else and then that person ends up not having the time or energy to handle it, then your left alone to dry up. That is why it needs to be just you and God and understand that God will never leave you there to dry up. When you stray away from God He will watch you waste your life away by the meaningless binge drinking and beer pong, but in the end, if you drop all that crap and just let go of what is really getting in the way of you and Jesus and seek Him NON STOP, no matter who is holding you accountable or not, then everything will work out, and your faith will not fade away. God's love is endless.

I typed a excerpt from Velvet Elvis to my friend Ryan today just to see hat he said because Ryan is VERY intelligent and insightful: "Christian faith is alive only when it is listening, morphing, innovating, letting go of whatever has gotten in the way of Jesusand embracing what ever will help us be more and more the people God wants us to be."
Ryan's personal response to that was phenomenal:

Ryan said, "Christian faith lives when one takes the advice given, the hours spent, the tears cried, and the late nights praying for friends who struggle, and then the person applies it to their life and the person lives differently.
Christian faith dies when people live like Jesus and his followers advice is something to agree with but nothing to apply and live by.
Christian faith dies when people think that a belief in Jesus alone is actually doing something for the Kingdom, instead of living different and challenge the wickedness of the world.----That's faith."

That definitly hit home for me, because I obviously knew what my friend Ryan was referring to, yet at the same time, I definitly felt a good amount of conviction in my heart.

I am "aware that this life is not the last painting" so I am going to start some reforming in Rudy's life rather then rely on being reformed, because as some of you know, every time I become reformed I skew it and there is no room for growth being reformed because when you're reformed that is it, it's final, so then you fall back on what you knew before you were reformed, and then it just turns into a cycle of a waste of time.

People always say that you never know what you got until it's gone. I heard today that you never know what you got until you throw it away.

P.S. If you haven't heard Fellowship Church's album "Closer to the Start" you should. It is phenomenal!! Thanks for that cd by the way Tyler!

"What do we do to love the world? Wake up wake up. The world is just right outside your door. You never know, you might have the love that they've been waiting for!"

I believe---a forward e-mail sent to me from a distant friend

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
They're going to hurt you every once in a while
And you MUST forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
Even over the longest distance.
I Believe......
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
I Believe... That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,
Regardless of the consequences.
I Believe....
That my best friend and I,
Can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down,
Will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry,
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
What types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them
And less to do with
How many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe.....
That it isn't always enough,
To be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances
May have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When A friend cries out to you -
You will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
Do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
Are taken from you too soon.

WOW---Mark 12:29

So today I had a couple of pretty phenomenal conversations. At two different times, I met up with 2 friends of mine. A lot was said, and I enjoyed the company of these two friends. I realized something from today. MARK 12:29. This verse is by far one of the most amazing verses I have ever come across. Ironically I came across it today. Mark 12:29-31 states, "'The most important one,' answered Jesus, 'is this: Hear O Isreal, the Lord your God, The Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this, Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.'"
I love how in my bible, and I'm sure it's in most of the NIV version bibles, that right before this verse the subtitle reads "The Greatest Commandment." Before verse 29, a teacher is asking Jesus what is the greatest commandment of them all. Jesus replies with verse 29-31. How beautiful is that?! When people talk about the 7 deadly sins, yes they are deadly and yes they will lead you completly astray from God, but the deadliest sin of all, I believe, is when one cannot expose God's love to all, when one doesn't obey the greatest commandment!

It struck me that this IS Jesus, this IS the way we should be living for God. What is more important than loving God with our all, with the entity of our lives?! What is more important than loving our neighbor as ourselves?
Let me take a step back here. If we can't love ourselves, then how are we loving God? And in essence how are we going to be able to expose God's love to the people around us if we can't expose God's love to our own hearts?

Is this great and most important commandment "our religion?" Is the greatest commandment "christianity?" Is this commandment supposed to be the entity of our lives and how we live for God? I think many are missing it. Many people are too focused on the "rules and regulations" of chrisitianity, and it's SO MUCH MORE! Mark 12:29 says this is the most important. It is SO MUCH MORE. Who gives a SHIT if someone cusses, is this really making God angry? What if we say this, yet we are fulfilling God's greatest commandment, we are fulfilling living for God, the way Jesus said it should be! Quite frankly, I don't think that Jesus would give a shit if his followers cuss, maybe if we were being negative about it. Society, the world, is who says "shit" is bad. Oh don't get me wrong, trust me, I still believe what I stated in my blog about cussing, but ultimately what really matters is God's love. I'm not too concerned with a follower of Jesus looking down on me for saying a cuss word and trying to give me advice about cussing, because the only applause I look for is God's and as long as I am fulfilling His will, loving, I know He smiles down at me! His concern is not if people say words that have been foolishly created by the world. It is the bigger picture that is looked at by Him! I believe that Jesus was trying to get across the distinct point of love. It's not about what religion you claim or what denomination you claim to be a part of. I believe this, Mark 12:29, is "the religion" that everyone is ultimately seeking and should seek! Don Miller states in Blue Like Jazz, "sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." Don also states to "remember that God never witheld love from [us] to teach [us] a lesson." When we watch the way others love, others loving their neighbor as they are, we come to understand how love truly is; We come to understand God's love. It's as if they are showing the people around them the way. Love is important in this world and it is obvious that God doesn't withold love from us, because He wants us to realize how powerful love really is, and how much it matters. So we must not live witholding love from people, we must pour it on lavishly so that others may understand love, so that others may understand the love God has for us! What better feeling than this kind of love?!

Living for God is ultimately loving God with our all and understand that He is one, but wait, there's more!!!! The relationship with God is loving others, reaching out to others as they are! Our neighbor is the people around us! The person at the register of a store; the person ringing up your order at a coffee shop; the person you are driving next to; the person you are hanging out with; the friend who only wants to hang out when there is a party; the friend who is closest to us; the sister or brother that you have; the parents that you live with: These are all our neighbors--We must love these people passionately, just as Jesus loves us passionately. Believe it, it's truth! =D

These conversations I had today glorified God--I know this! I mean now that I completely love myself and know that my heart is right, I am able to expose this love God has for humanity to all! I am able to catch up with old friends, I am able to mend broken relationships, I am able to talk to friends who I havn't talked to in years because of bitterness I held for far too long and am able to ask for their forgiveness, I am able to have a thirty minute conversation with two employees of a coffee shop before closing time because God has made time, I am able to love my neighbor, I am able to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. This ALL exemplifies love, which is the way we live for God! This is what it's all about and I truly believe it, I believe it with a burning passion! So if you ask me now what religion or denomination I am, here is my answer: it is simply Mark 12:29, it is simply Jesus, it is simply love!

My GOD is BIG. My GOD is POWERFUL. My GOD is going to move my life in ways I never believed possible! My God can do this for all who ask and cry out to Him! As simple as this sounds, I love my God!

Live it, Mark 12:29-31!

My Book

When I said I think I am going to write a book a week back, I was somewhat serious, but wasn't sure if I was really down for doing that. I really feel God calling me to write this book. I already have a title for this book. It started off as something I was going to blog about, and it turned out 8 pages long on Word, I think that is the start of this book I am planning to write. Pray that God will really speak through me! My best friend David told me that I should go for it, and don't let fear take over, because I have a lot to say, and, well, basically he thinks I would get to people. I think God wants me to get to people in this certain aspect.

But I think about certain things when ever I think about continuing this process, such as, how open should I be? how honest should I be? what details should I include? what thoughts should I include? should I be mentioning the real names of the people I am referring to? will people look down on me about anything I say?
I pray about these things too too, but I think God will just continue to speak through me. In a way I am worried about what people will say I guess, but I know that the only applause I need is God's applause.

I will let my words be His words.

The Cross

Ironically I have been thinking about the cross in the last couple of days. I was wondering what significance the cross really has. I understand that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and that it symbolizes Jesus dying for us so that we may have life. I was struggling with this for the last couple of days; I couldn't figure it out. I knew there had to be more to the cross than just Jesus dying for us on the cross and the cross symbolizing our sins being forgiven. I also was thinking, wow people sure do wear the cross around their neck a lot or buy things that have the cross on them, yet do the even know what the cross really symbolizes? I've noticed this because in the gift shop at the hotel I work at, there are many different things that have the cross on them--purses, crystal blocks, cards, pins, and shirts, and people love to buy them!

On the way home from work tonight, I prayed to God asking Him to please reveal to me what is the bigger significance of the cross, because I so badly want to know. I knew there is a greater meaning of the cross. I came home exhausted from my night at work. I was going to head straight to bed, but I decided to upload some new CDs to my laptop that I bought today. As I was doing this, the book I am currently reading, Sex God, was sitting right next to my laptop. I decided to finish up chapter four, and continued on to chapter five, where God revealed to me the power and significance of the cross. The way God revealed this to me completely overwhelmed me. The book talks about how "for so long Christians have found the cross to be so central to life, because it speaks to us of God's suffering, God's pain, and God's broken heart." The book continues on stating that "if you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels. The cross is God's way of saying, 'I know what it's like.' The cross is a way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments. The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, 'me too.'" I love this; I read it over and over again. I am in awe over this. God knows how I feel. God feels our hurt. He knows what it is like. It's funny that the book mentions that "our first need is not for people to fix our problems." People who are trying to help must first join in our pain and somehow be able to say "me too." I've felt this hurt you are feeling before. The book states how God tells us he feels our heart, "This is the God who holds out his hands and asks, 'Would you like to see the holes where the nails went? Would that help?'" Fascinating, and beautiful. It is very true that when one is able to say to another I've been there, I know your pain, I feel your pain, I know this distance you feel from God because I've been in the state that you are in right now. Sex God reads, "The cross is where we present our wounds to God and say, 'Here, you take them." =( I cried reading that, and I read it over and over again. It amazed me, because this speaks truth. It's hard to "participate in the suffering of God." But it's beneficial and it's what we need to do. "Our healing begins when we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker" Rob says in his book Sex God. By this explanation of the cross I was already overwhelmed and in awe. Chapter five talks about taking a risk, risking your love, putting your love out there and allowing yourself to become vulnerable. Love is risky, but love is risky for us just as it is for God. "Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love." I feel that way so many times, mostly with friendships, and it hurts, and the same way it hurts me, it hurts God when someone doesn't return their love to Him. He makes Himself vulnerable just as we do when we put our love and our hearts out there to people. I know the feeling God, and I never want to hold my love back from You...
Chapter five was concluded very well. Bell mentioned a phrase that is used to explain how God loves everyone equally. "People say that 'the ground at the foot of the cross is level.' The idea is that God has no favorites, that no matter where you're coming from and what you've done and who you've been with and how badly you've screwed it up, the cross is the place where God looks past it all and forgives and accepts and wipes the slate clean." How beautiful is that?! How good is this to know?! Bell states in Sex God, "The ground at the foot of the cross is level for God too. In matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything-that's what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can't make us love him-that's our choice."

Geez---what a tare at my heart...because it's so true. I mean my perspective on the cross has been so close minded for so long, and this has given me a fresh perspective on the cross, one I have never had before, and knowing this now is outstanding. I think of it as this. There is this song that I really love, and I listened to it after God revealed all of this to me through Bell's words. The song is called "Wrap Me In Your Arms" by Michael Gungor. It states that "there is a God who loves me, who wraps me in His arms. That is the place where I change. And that's where I belong! Take me to that place Lord, to that secret place where I can be with You, You can make me like You, wrap me in Your arms, wrap me in Your arms, wrap me in Your arms." I've never thought of it with the context of the cross being implemented. I always viewed that "secret place" as somewhere in the corner of my room where it's just God and I, but I believe this "secret place" the song sings of is the cross. It's the secret place where the ground is level with the foot of the cross.

I see myself kneeling on the ground at the foot of the cross yearning for more of God. I know how long I've needed God in my life this much. I know how badly I needed to seek God daily. I know how badly I needed this fresh, new perspective of God's love. I feel God wrapping me in His arms as I listen and sing these lyrics. I know God is holding me, telling me "Rudy it's okay you have screwed up, it's okay how bad you've hurt some people, it's okay that you allowed many people to think you were someone you were not, it's okay you tried to invent yourself, it's okay you tried to use things of this world to heal your wounds and pain, it's okay that you became angry with yourself, it's okay you didn't remember me, but I am glad that you now know to remember the cross, Rudy this is the place where I look past it all and forgive you and accept you and this is where I wipe your slate clean. This is where I change you, and this is where you allow me to really change you. This is where you belong. This is where you learn to like me my child. This is where you allow me to chisel away so much crap from your life that you never needed in the first place. I love you Rudy."

When I feel persecuted I will follow God, when I feel loved I will follow God, when I feel hurt I will follow God, when I feel let down I will follow God, when I feel like life is great I will follow God, when I am happy I will follow God, when I am sad I will follow God. I will die to myself and follow you God. God is the source of my life, and there is no other way which I am truly saved. This world has nothing for me, and I've come to this realization so much within the past month and a half! I'm done with the games, because I know who I am following now, and I know what I passionately believe. There is no turning back anymore! Oh what a waste of time it would be if I turned back once again--Satan wants me to turn back so bad, because his favorite tactic is to get people to waste time so that we stray away from God, but I resist turning back again, because my heart screams I am free!

I've learned where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom, and because I allow the spirit of the Lord to truly dwell within my heart stuff starts happening. My eyes that were blind from so much have started to open and see so many things more clearly. My heart has truly been able to open up and come alive in the presence of God, and lately I have been in the presence of God at most times. This is why my heart screams I am free!

Some of what I've learned from Blue Like Jazz

This is just kind of the basis of what I've learned. I'm still praying to God asking Him how He wants me to describe in detail what parts of this book have helped me deal with big aspects in life.

I have come to love Jesus passionately. I love people, and I want to expose God's love to all people whom I run into; I’ve learned to prefer the company of all people. I'm learning to be humble & meek. I've learned that it's not a church or an institution that hurts people; people hurt people. I've learned that I shouldn't seem like I am selling Jesus to someone, but rather make it really truly known that I know Him. I’ve learned to embrace Christian spirituality. I've realized that what I feel I want most in life, just might kill me. I've realized the seeds of change in my life, and I thank God every day for those people. I've realized that mankind hurts me, not God. I’ve realized that the issue I see on the surface usually isn’t the base issue that lies way beneath. I’ve learned to apologize to others for mis-represting God and who God really wants me to be. I’ve learned to expose the real me, the me that God has invented. I’ve learned that God wants to shine his light on me. I know I have this gift from God in which I read people pretty easy, but I am learning to see in people’s eyes, the trueness of a story. I’ve realized that the issue of getting frustrated and angry with one another usually isn’t the reason we see, the issue is whether or not people respect each other, whether they will overcome the idea of liking each other. I’ve learned to not let anyone decide my value, that my value comes from God. I’ve been praying for all of my friends, all of my family, and all of the people I run into throughout each day that they will be able to receive love. I’ve realized that the most important thing that happens within Christian spirituality is when a person falls in love with Jesus. Jesus is something you feel! I’ve realized that God’s love will change me. I’ve learned that both the conversation from my mouth and my heart need to be true, because if they aren’t both true, then God is not involved in the exchange, and I am on my own and this will lead people astray. I’ve learned to not withhold love from anyone. I want people to know God’s love so bad. I’ve realized that if things were explained to me now, then it would defeat the point of being somewhere with God when I die, somewhere that wouldn’t make any sense if it were explained now. I’ve learned not to chart God. I’ve learned that my heart is really longing to worship, and that there is no better worship than wonder. I’ve learned to love and reach out to people as they are and not just accept them, because I don’t ever want someone to feel unvalued when they are around me. I understand that by not reaching out to people as they are, then I am betraying not only that person, but ultimately God, because that selfishness blocks me from sharing my faith and mis-represents who God really is. I’ve realized that being prideful, and passive aggressive about my feelings can really harm me and make me feel lonely on the inside. I've realized that if I believe something passionately, people will follow me. I've realized that Satan's best tactic is not to get me to do evil, but to get me to waste time which leads me astray from God and His will for my life. I've realized that belief is something that happens to me, it is something I decide upon. I've realized that it is better to have people love the real me, than the me I invented. I've realized that people learn that they are lovable or unlovable from other people; I realize why God says so many times to love each other. I've realized that there is no addiction so powerful as self addiction, which is what I was stuck in for so long. I've realized that if I am not willing to wake up in the morning and die to myself then maybe I should ask myself whether or not I am really following Jesus. I’ve realized that God is the security that I need to rest in. I've realized that hatred is the product of ignorance. I’ve realized I need to meet “the enemy” where they are. I’m learning to pour love on to other people lavishly. I've realized that it's not my responsibility to change somebody, that is God's, my part is to communicate love and approval. I'm learning to always receive God's unconditional love and grace; it's a beautiful thing to me and the feeling is great. God is reality, and just like the elements of a story, are the elements of life, and in the end, God is my hero, the One who is here to rescue me.

If you've read Blue Like Jazz, then you obviously realize a lot of what I said is from the book, but a lot of what I just said, is a lot of what I've learned and come to realize. =)

Death

I once thought I was over the idea of death, you know not thinking that death is really forever, but it seems to me that because I am close to God again and seeking God so much more than ever that I've been having death on my mind a lot more. At times it's beautiful to me, I think---regarding my own death that is. I can't wait for the day that I leave this earth, the day that I fly away from here, when I am with God in heaven, now that I know I am on the verge of everlasting life and not everlasting death in hell, what ever form that hell may be. When I think about death now, I think about the song "I Fly Away" by Jars of Clay that my friend David introduced to me; It's great; It has become one of my favorites; This is the song that I want to be played at my memorial service when ever I leave this earth; I've been thinking about this topic, death, for about the last week and a half or so, because I feel comfortable thinking about it now. I know that I am being faithful to God now, and that I am not living that high volume sinful life style that I did before. Well this past Sunday my mom told me that an old friend of mine from high school, Sean-his father, Billy, had a seizure, and has been in the hospital since. Sean's parents are pretty good friends with my parents, although Sean and I don't really talk anymore. Well my mom told me yesterday that Sean's mom, Christy, told my mom it doesn't look good. Today my mom told me that Christy told her that Billy isn't going to make it. I've been praying about this entire situation since my mom told me he was in the hospital, and I mean really praying, and literally talking to God as if He was right in front of me, today especially. When I was running on the treadmill at the gym today, I was all sweaty, because I was half way into my run, and I was praying for Billy, and praying for Sean and his little brother, and Christy. I found my self so deep into prayer that tears began to fill up my eyes, and they were so indulging I had to let them run down my face. I felt so broken hearted, but I knew God was right by my side because I could feel His presence---I mean I was really feeling God's presence while I was running and praying. I finished my run and came home to get ready for work. I'm really broken up about this. On the drive to work I listened to Jeremy Camp's song titled "Walk by Faith" over and over again. This one part really stuck out to me while I was heading to work, it says "Well I'm broken, but I still see your face. Well you've spoken pouring your words of grace. Well I will walk by faith, even when I can not see. Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me." Although I am broken, and although Sean, his little brother, Christy, my mom, my dad, any one who knew Billy, and anyone in their family are all broken too, God will reveal Himself to them, and I pray that they will all see His face. It is so comforting that God is in our lives at all times, even during the times when you feel that He is not. I have had people I know from my life die before, multiple times, but this time has hit me a bit more hard than usual. I think because God has revealed to me that you really never know when your time is up on this earth. I have realized that no one is forever. In a way I think of it as, if everyone was forever, what would be the point of life?
And I completely understand when people say they are not willing to accept the fact that someone they have lost is really gone---because for me, when anyone close to me, usually a best friend, becomes truly distant and things aren't the same anymore, or things don't seem the same anymore, or you and that friend just simply stop talking, to me it is the worst feeling in the world; it tears me up inside; I understand that no one is forever, even in the concept of friendships, and I hate that, and it's something I think I will never overcome, but I know as long as I stay near to God, He will stay near to me. I really understand how some people feel about death, because I guess when you realize someone close to you is really gone it's hard to accept that, even years down the road, even more so if the reason that this someone is really gone is because of death.

Tonight my dad told me he went to the hospital to say his goodbye to Billy here on earth, and to talk with Christy, Sean and his little brother. He asked Christy if he could go by Bill's bedside and read him Psalm 23. I've never seen my dad cry much, but I know when he was reading that to Billy he teared up and surely some tears rolled down his face. I didn't ask him, but I know. Just so you who are reading this know, this is what Psalm 23 says: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." This is one of the most beautiful verses ever.

This has also shown me another thing. I have always been the type to want to "wait for the perfect moment" to talk to someone about God; I'm done with that, because by doing that I might end up waiting too long for this so called "perfect moment" and then it'll be too late for sure. The perfect moment is now any moment for me. Life is seriously too short, and death seems to fall upon so many people randomely, when they least expect it.

"If you are not seeking to save them with fear, 'pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh' (Jude 1:23), you are guilty of the serious crime of 'depraved indifference.'" (The Way of the Master - pg 6)
When you allow another human being to die when it's within your ability to save him, you are guilty of "depraved indifference." This is very true, and I will do my best to not let anyone within my ability die to this world; Instead, I will reveal to them who God really is and make it aware that God wants so badly to rescue them!

I know that "God offers freedom to those who recognize their sinful state and are broken by the realization that their spiritual poverty and bondage seperate them from a just and holy God." (The Way of the Master - pg 41)
I just want you to know that the freedom He offers is not freedom from the hardships of life. God does not create these hardships in our lives. The world does. God grants us freedom from the world, and wants us to realize that He is the One who comforts us in all times of life.

Psalm 56:13 ---"For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."

June

So when I went to Mardel's bookstore Friday they had a tremendous amount of sales. I spent about $70.00 there, and got a lot with my money. It was probably the best $70.00 I have spent in a year! I bought this day by day for the year "inspirational thoughts" for each day that only cost me $6.00, because it was on the half off table when you first walk in along with most other books that I bought at Mardel's! I love that this day by day inspirational book doesn't say it's a devotional. I think that it is quite fascinating that the first page in this book says "inspirational thoughts for each day of the year." Well the title of this "devotional" is Grace For The Moment, and God is grace so I love it. I've been reading it every day since I bought it, and I think it's so much easier for me to read it each day because it is giving me "inspiration" of God, rather than making it seem like a tasky daily devotional that I must do before doing anything else, you know what I mean?

Since today is the month of June the first page that says "June," before the June
1st inspirational thought page, stood out to me. It has a black & white picture of leaves on some branches and the background is blurred out. I'd say that the picture looks somewhat depressing, but the verse that goes with it is outstanding! 2 Corinthians 4:18 says "What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever." Maybe that's why the leaves in the picture seem to be white, because the color doesn't last forever. Maybe that's why black and white photos seem to be so intriguing.

Just thought I'd put that out there!

Today is going to be a great day, because God has invited me to be with Him.

Your friend,

Rudy

Blue Like Jazz

Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, is by far one of the greatest books I have ever read in my life. I thank God for getting David to get me to read this book, because A LOT of things were spoken to me through this book. God spoke through Don Miller in the most fascinating way I have ever heard anything described before. So much of what Don wrote in his book has helped me with many different aspects of my life. I can honestly say the way I viewed things with God, the way I lived my life for God, the way that I loved people, the way I treated my self, and the way my perspectives were on so many different things the night before starting to read this book are completely different now, and I give God all of the glory, for this change. I am going to probably explain in detail what God has done with the different aspects of my life while I was reading Blue Like Jazz as the days continue on. I might not go in chapter order, or I might. I will see how God leads me to do so.

I really feel led to share what God has done with my life in just less than a week, and I am doing this in a way not many people do. I want people to know the real me, and not the me from the past that I allowed my self to invent. I want to start off by apologizing for exposing the invented me to everyone and not the person who God made me to be. I apologize for any worldly advice that I have given to any of you in the past, as probably anything I said is not valid if I think about it now. In the past I was never really able to show God's true love to anyone, because I was never in a good state of mind. It's ironic, that at times when I was drunk or high I was able to talk about God so easily. When I was under the influence, which most of the time I was, I would say things like, "God is the only one who can rescue you" "God loves you so much" "God is who you should be following" "God is going to keep us safe since you are driving us back to campus drunk" "I used to be close to God once" "I really miss how my life was when I was close to God" "Does living for God even matter" "I don't think there is a God." My mind was never clear; But when I was sober I was afraid to even speak the name of God. Maybe it was because I was afraid that God would really intervene with my life or afraid that God was going to help me change the entire life style I was living and show me who He really IS and what He can really do with my life! Now, I just want to learn to love God so much that I weep at the sound of His name--I want to learn to ALWAYS receive God's love!

There is this really sweet Korean lady named Mihye (pronounced me-uh) who works in the gift shop at the hotel I work at. She has come to be a pretty cool friend of mine. I call her "Mihye Gift Shop" because every time I call the gift shop from the front desk she answers the phone saying "Mihye Gift Shop!" I think it's hilarious! I can really tell how much she loves life right through her eyes. She just moved here from Michigan about four months ago so that she can open up a gift shop in the hotel I work at. She finally found a Christian Korean church that she likes and she goes every single Sunday. She really understands the fundamentals of God and of religion, and I am trying my hardest to get her to understand that it is so much more, that God is so much more than religion--God isn't religion, He is our creator, the one we should live for. I want her to understand not to live for religion, but to live for God. I think she is slowly getting it, day by day, by the conversations we seem to always have. I remember one night she asked me how I deal with my anger. She said that sometimes when she walks by the front desk some guest is profusely yelling about something, and she said she always wonders how I control myself from getting angry and frustrated about that. She asked me this a couple of days after I watched one of Rob Bell's Nooma videos titled "breathe." I told her that I've learned to try controlling my anger by breathing, and when I breathe I know that I am breathing the air that God has provided to me; I know that I am breathing God. I continued on and I told her that I also control any anger trying to build up inside of me by talking to God. She was puzzled by this statement, and looked at me with her cute confused look that she likes to give me and asked me, "You mean really talking to God? Like you talk to God just how we are talking?" I responded honestly and said, "yes just how we are talking right now is how I talk to God, and I know He is listening when I talk to Him and it's beautiful to me." That put the biggest smile on her face and she just kind of walked away from the front desk and went back into the gift shop. Now sometimes she will randomely come to the front desk and ask me if I've talked to God today, and I just smile at her and say yes, yes I have. I've had a couple of great conversations with Mihye during this past week. The one I am about to speak about is a conversation we had last night. She saw that I was reading Blue Like Jazz, and it's so hard for me to explain things to her sometimes, because she doesn't completely understand English and at the point she asked me what the book was about I wished that Blue Like Jazz was written in Korean, because I so badly wanted her to fully understand what I was getting from this book. I told her that it is a book that has non religous thoughts on Christian spirituality. She looked at me, smiled, and said, "wow you're really getting into God aren't you?" I just smiled, because I guess that was a good way for her to understand kind of what I was reading, and I felt at peace that she somewhat understood the concept of the book. We ended up starting to talk about her dog. She told me she treats her dog as if he is her own child; she doesn't have any kids. She says anything you can buy for a dog, he has it. She said that all women have this natural instinct inside of them to be a mother and she doesn't have any kids so she treats her dog with royalty. She walks with her dog for almost two hours every day and again every night after she gets home from work. She said even though sometimes her dog pees on the carpet when she is not at home she doesn't get mad; she understands that sometimes that is going to happen, that he will be distracted and end up peeing on the carpet, because he feels that he can't hold it until he gets outside. All of her dog's trust is in Mihye. She has talked to me about her dog before, and every single time she mentions her dog this HUGE, BRIGHT smile is shown from her face. But last night when she was talking about her dog for a good ten minutes I realized something. In her dog's eyes, she is his "god." She is her dog's master. Her dog obeys her and loves her because of all the blessings that she gives her dog. I was standing there thinking wow Mihye really loves this dog unconditionally, and it struck my mind that this is how God loves us! God loves us so much that He blesses us as long as we acknowledge Him and live our lives for Him, because He is our master! Because God loves us so much he protects us at times, times that we don't even realize are His doing. Just as Mihye's dog peed on the carpet several times, a sign of disobeying her or not having the ability to control himself, this is how God loves us. No matter how far into the pits of distraction we fall into, God is still going to love us--and that love is so unconditional.

Just a random thought

I think I am going to write a book.

Other than that thought, on another note, I will start updating what God has been doing in my life starting either Sunday night while I am bored at work because I work alone that night, or Monday sometime.

I hope all is well with everyone!

Your friend,

Rudy

Fasting

So for some reason, well with the help of David's "encouragement" tonight by him telling me to enjoy my last night of internet, I have realized that yes tonight is my last night on the internet for a season. I am glad that we have decided to do this fast, and I truly believe it will only allow our faith in God to become so strong as well as our relationship with Him. It will reveal who we really need to control our lives- that is, in ALL that we do. David and I are doing this for the glory of God, and I know that God is already smiling down at us. David said that we hope to eliminate a majority of what distracts our thoughts from being focused on God and God's will for our lives. I pray that God will give me the strength during the duration of this time. I yearn for my relationship with God to deepen.Through this both mine and David's relationship with God will grow immensely. I know how faithful God is, so I am willing to make sacrifices as such in order to gain more enlightenment and clarity from God.

For me personally, it will be the one of the toughest things I have ever done. The internet is a life line to me, and I hope that gradually changes over this course of time. I know that with the help of God and with the help of the people who are truly the closest to me, I will get through this, and I know I will grow so much with God, and learn a lot about my self that I have never known before. I know that God will give me clarity on so many things in my life during this time. I'm not exactly sure how long this will continue on for, but I know for sure the start of it will be two weeks long. I feel that this will be one of the best things I have ever done for my life, and I know the same goes for David; It is just going to be hard for me, but I know nothing is easy in order to gain what is best for our lives and relationships with God. God says be prepare for what you will suffer! Revelation 2:10 says "Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." I believe David and I decided that this is our battle cry for God! Although I know that suffering will be present at times, I will keep in my mind that this is worth it. I know sometimes I will wonder why am I doing this? What good is going to come out of this? How will this benefit me? God reveal to me now why I am doing this? But I will reflect on these two verses: John 16:12 which says "I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear" & John 13:7 which says "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
Later doesn't necessarily mean in this life time either...

I know that the more I seek God, the more I will find Him. It's just like one of my favorite songs titled "The More I Seek You"
The chorus goes as this "The more I seek you. The more I find you. The more I find you. The more I love you. I want to sit at your feet. Drink from the cup in your hand. Lean back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep. It's more than I can bear. I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming."

If you go to the following website any one of those tracks will work if you would like to listen to this song: http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#The%20More%20I%20seek%20you

I am interested and extremely excited for what God is going to do with my life during this time. I know that I have truly been working on giving God my ALL and my EVERYTHING, and I just want to seek God out on every aspect of my life--which includes this fasting of technology- other than my cell phone obviously. This is one big sacrifice in my eyes, but in another aspect this really is no sacrifice God....here is my life!

I may post a blog every now and then to update you guys on how I am doing. (See, David and I are changing each others passwords on everything so that we won't be tempted to get on facebook, aim, blogspot, etc. BUT we decided if we really want to expose something on our blog we are going to let the other log on and post their blog.)I will still have my cell phone so you can reach me on there. I just ask for your prayers and God's guidance on this entire situation. Pray for my friend David as well, even for those of you who don't know him, as him and I are in this together.

God, here You go...break me down and chisel away!

"Before God uses a man, God will break the man."

(I know people say you shouldn't boast and let it be known that you are fasting, but I take that in a different context so for those of you who like to be technical about everything, it's okay, as for all I am doing is expressing my thoughts on the situation and ask for your prayers.)

Breathe

So David showed me this video tonight by Rob Bell, who has a series of his Nooma videos. The name of this video was called “Breathe.” It was so relevant, and I know that this can help anyone come to some realizations in life.

When we are distracted in life or moving too fast we are distracted from our breathing! We need to stand on holy ground all the time, but when we move to fast in life, we miss the burning bushes on both sides of us. God hears our cry and wants to rescue us! The thing about LORD is that in the Hebrew language the name LORD is pronounced Yod, Heh, Vav, Heh. In many instances the LORD isn't even pronounced, it is so sacred that the name of the LORD is unpronounceable, because essentially the letters together are the sound of breathing, Yod Heh Vav Heh. Rob Bell continues on to ask, is the name of God the sound of breathing? There is this paradox at the heart of what it means to be a human being. We are fragile, because we come from the dust. Ecclesiastes 3:20 says, "All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return."

Why is it that the strangest things can get under our skin so quickly? Do we ever have moments where we feel like your seconds from losing it? It's because we come from the dust, we are fragile, our life is but a breath, even for those who seem secure!

Psalm 39:5 says "You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath."

As Bell had been saying all of this, what caught my attention was right when he said "even those that seem secure, their life is but a breath." This is so relevant, because for me it is hard to talk about God with people who seem completely secure, because they seem to have such a perfect life in their minds, because it seems as if every single aspect of their life is well off and nothing so far in their lives has caused them to think that life can be any better than it already is. Yet with God, life can be so much greater! They are not mature with life or with God--He is what they are missing in their lives. They don't realize that the life they live is simply but a breath, and that it can be taken away in one heart beat. They are only living life, because of the breath that God has given them. These people are the ones who really can be hurt the most by the devastations that life can bring—My heart really does go out to people in life that are like this!

God has crowned us with glory and honor--the glory and honor that God is referring to is the people that God has made. This is why I believe it is so powerful for us to love one another and not judge, but show the true light of Jesus that is within us. There is holiness to the people around us. Jesus said, what ever you do for them, you have done for Him. God is there because He is HERE. We are bringing God all of the glory through the relationships that God has allowed us to have in our lives. What we do for our genuine relationships, what we invest in these relationships, that God wants us to have, that he has placed in our lives, obviously for a reason, is what we have done for God---this is one way that we glorify God through the meaningful God driven relationships that he has placed in our lives. These are the relationships that are really worth the investment and time-- I truly believe this. Your life is but a breath, yet we have been made by the creator of everything. We are sacred.

The physical breath that we all possess is actually a picture of a deeper reality. In the bible the word for breath is the same word as the word for spirit. In Greek it's the word Nooma. When God takes away the breath of all living creatures, then they die and return to the dust, but when God sends the spirit they are created. If the spirit of God who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, then God will give you life!

The spirit of God living in you sanctifies---meaning to purge and clean out, essentially meaning that when you let God in when you breathe, what happens is you become aware of all of the things that you need to leave behind, everything that you need to let go of, everything that you NEED TO BREATHE OUT! I have personally done that with my life in the last couple of weeks, and it has been fantastic! Because I have allowed the spirit of God to live in me; the spirit sanctifies. The spirit of God has cleansed my soul and every part of my life! I just have to keep my focus on God, not be too quick in things, and not be distracted from everything in this world.--this is when the spirit will really allow me to breathe, because I have of course allowed God to be within me!

Jesus said that the spirit of God guides us into TRUTH. What we need is to breathe. God gives the spirit without limit!! God IS spirit, and we are a sacred creation of God, the divine breath is flowing through you. You are on HOLY GROUND. A person doesn't have to agree with this for it to already be true--it's a given, it is obvious when someone is born.

When a baby is born what is the first thing it must do or else that baby isn't going to make it? Does the baby have to take a breath or say the name of God? The baby must take a breath, just as one takes a breath before dying. When we can no longer say the name of God (breathe) we die. Is it possible that you can be sitting across from a table having lunch with a friend and that friend is saying to you, "there is no God," but what you will be hearing is " Yod, Heh, Vav, Heh," because you are hearing the breath, the spirit, God's name through that friend's words?

The ground that you are standing on is Holy. As you slow down, may you become aware that it's in " Yod, Heh, Vav, Heh " that we live, and we move, and we breathe.

Most of this was me summarizing exactly what Rob Bell said in his video, and he has said it so perfect, because God has spoken through Him, so there wasn't a need for me to explain into my own words. God has allowed Bell's word to basically be perfect in how God wanted it to be said. I just simply expanded my personal thoughts on certain facts, such as the fact that people who feel as if they are completely secure are going to simply crash and burn, because they don't realize how fragile their life and breath is in their life. I also expanded on when Bell talked about there being holiness to the people around us. Jesus said, whatever you do for them, you have done for Him. I truly believe this, and I have expanded my thoughts on that about relationships that God gives us in life.

We must breathe, because this is how we truly say the name of the LORD. :D

Romans 8:9-11 says "You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you." :-)

Here is this video; it is in two parts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAP0aoa8FtM (part I)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-JFDkypxRw (part II)

(It shows the subtitles in Spanish, but the video is really in English.)


David, thank you once again for sharing this video with me bro! Much appreciated. It has spoken volumes to me in many different ways. I am sure you can guess the aspects.

Locked up in a cage

So today I did my community service at the Wylie Animal Shelter. It was from an offense I had back in January; thank God that I wont have to worry about doing that offense again (Minor in Consumption). Well I have been dreading doing community service, because I have always hated doing it. But as my friend David told me, everything we do, we must do for the glory of God, and give Him all of the glory. So as I was still dreading going to community service at 8am this morning, before I went and on the drive there, I prayed that God would reveal to me while I am there how am I going to glorify Him through this community service that I have had no desire to do.
So when I got there, I had to start by cleaning out the cats kennels. I am basically sort of allergic to cats, but I never had to sneeze, and my allergies never acted up! Well after we finished with the cats, we had to go over to the dogs area and start cleaning their kennels out and walking them. WELL as the animal control officer and I started walking down the walkway where you have cages on both sides of you that have dogs in basically each one, I started beginning to notice something, and this is where God revealed so much to me to the point of almost breaking down. As were walking down, I was barely listening to what the guy was saying, because all I was doing is focusing on these dogs who were barking very loud and jumping against the cage wanting to get out of the cage so bad and go for a walk- be free. Well in that very moment is when I related the dogs doing that to humans. We allow ourselves to get so caught up in sin, that we are eventually consumed by it;We are locked up by our sin. Not that these dogs did anything wrong to be in there, because this was a shelter for them, but the analogy is....As our sin is the lock to our cage, the padlock is the lock to the dogs being locked up. All these dogs want is freedom, and the only time they get freedom is when someone lets them out and allow them to become free for a moment. That is so relevant to God and us! As I was thinking about all of this, I pictured God walking down this hallway with many different cages (us locked up by our sin) on each side of Him, and as He walks down this hallway, he is at each one of our doors waiting for us to give Him our ALL; Not just the parts we want to, but EVERYTHING, and when we are so consumed by our sin, all we do is bark and bite at God when times are hard, we never seem to give Him the entirety of our lives and that is why our lives continue to suck, if we don't give our all to God. We must obey God in order that we receive full freedom! As the day continued on I had to walk each dog, by first opening their cage putting the leash on their collar, and going outside with them in the grass. After a couple of dogs I went through walking, I realized that the ones who just wanted to go crazy and be wild were only feeling that way for the minute of me trying to walk them, because they know once they were back in their cage life would be miserable without me. It's all they ever knew was to go back and forth from someone who walks them, then back into their cage. They werent REALLY at peace, and these were the ones I had to put back in their cage soon. Not that God puts us back in our cage(sin), but because of our stubbornness we continue to stray from God if we don't give Him our ALL and all of the glory when he does give us His freedom. When God gives us His freedom we need to not think about the cage (our sin) that we were once in, but rejoice in the fact that God has set us free. By thinking about our cage and allowing it to determine our present and future, it will eventually shift our backs toward God because that is what we are focusing rather than focusing on God, and how He has instantly saved us! The dogs who were content and just wanted to play and be happy that they were free, just wanted to jump on me and look into my eyes, and some just wanted to start running around the building to rejoice that I have saved them from their cage. So for those dogs, I would allow them to and would run with them and stay by their side, because they were completely thankful, and they trusted and obeyed me and they gave me their all, they didn't make me struggle with trying to walk them or anything-they simply obeyed their master in command. Another note that I focused on, is this one labrador who you could tell was severely upset and would NOT stop barking and you could tell by this labs face that he was so angry. He was so angry at the fact that he was locked up in his cage, and when I saw how this lab was I was amazed, because I have never seen a lab so upset or angry- they are usually sweet dogs. Well when I saw that, I thought to my mind, this is like how people/friends we see in our lives who you would never think would fall into some of the sin that they have fallen in to and their life is completely locked up in a cage by their sin and you would never expect that, but over time some people change and fall into traps, and because the sin is roaring in their lives, there is simply nothing that we can do but trust in God and pray for this person who we see in our lives that becomes like that, because we know that God is in complete control and know that everything is in God's timing and not ours; we can't expect the change in someone to happen over night-it simply doesn't work that way. Just as when we become comletely free in God and when He saves us, we must obey God and keep our eyes gazed on God's glory and mercy, because if we don't that is when it will feel as if God is not by our side, and when it comes down to it--in the end we are only giving grief to ourselves. And sometimes when we are doing so great with God, He steps away from us for a moment to see if we can handle it, that is to see if we truly have Faith that He will set us free in the end, as long as we keep our eyes gazed on the horizon where God waits.

Matthew 28:19-20
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
God is there to the very end!!

Prayer

I've always heard it be told that prayer is powerful when one has it in their life. Tonight, as I have been praying for quite some time on the subject of prayer, God has revealed some great news to me. I have looked up many verses on prayer and I am going to post the verses that I feel are quite impactful.

Psalm 17:6
I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 39:12
Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were.

Psalm 42:8
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me. a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 55:1
Listen to my prayer O God, do not ignore my plea

Psalm 84:8
Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob.

Psalm 86:6
Hear my prayer O Lord, listen to my cry for mercy.

Psalm 88:13
But I cry to you for help O Lord, in the morning my prayer comes before you.

Psalm 109:4
In return for my friendship, they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer.

Psalm 141:2
May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.

Psalm 142:1
I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.

Proverbs 15:8
The Lord detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases him.

Proverbs 15:29
The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

Become consistent with prayer so that you may continuously grow with God. God wants us to pray to Him. He wants to hear the prayers of the righteous, hurt, and broken. God wants to hear the prayers even when we feel as if he is not in our presence. God wants to test our faith BY prayer so that we may hear Him THROUGH prayer. DO NOT allow a cloud to form over your head that may block your prayers from God.
Lamentations 3:43-45 says "You have covered yourself with anger and pursued us; you have slain without pity. You have COVERED YOURSELF WITH A CLOUD SO THAT NO PRAYER CAN GET THROUGH. You have made us scum and refuse among the nations!

DO NOT allow a barrier to form between you and God. When you feel as if God is not there or a barrier is starting to form I encourage you to pray in a way so powerful that God will be able to feel your yearning touch for Him. Of course as humans we always want that human physical touch because it makes us feel good right? Well as Christians we want to feel God's touch in our lives, but we never consider the fact that maybe God also wants to feel our touch! So pray in a way so powerful that God will embrace that feeling!

Just as the song Prodigal, by Casting Crowns says - God is waiting on you to look up to him and say "Daddy here I am, Daddy here I am, again, and I've held out as long as I can, Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand, Daddy here I am, again. Will you take me back tonight?!"

CUSSING/SIN

So my good friend David and I had this conversation earlier today about cussing while I was at work. We both gave each other our theories about cussing, and how it relates to our walks with Christ. With mine, of course, I said that I don’t think it is bad to cuss, because the bible doesn’t literally say not to cuss, and the only reason most Christians believe it’s bad to cuss is because of the fact that the entire world has said that cussing is a bad thing to say in the first place. I continued to say that if you are not using cuss words in a way that is negative then you should be good.(OO how ignorant I was to God's will.) Well when I got home from work tonight, I asked one of my other friends, Josh, where in the bible does it literally say not to cuss, because I remember him mentioning it to me in the past.

He led me to the verse James 3:9-12 which states: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.”

This verse does not state that we should not cuss; it merely states that we should not curse. Both praise and cursing can NOT come from the same mouth if we are trying to praise and please our Lord. Although this verse states not to “cuss” it says not to curse. The bible states that if we hate someone, then we have sinned. So, just as we cuss out loud or even in our hearts, we have sinned because it was not used in a way to glorify God. Leviticus 19:17 states, “Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt.” If the bible says it’s a sin, it is merely a sin. If God asks us not to do something and we do it, it is simply a sin- just like getting wasted and killing someone is of equal sin in God’s eyes.

After having these conversations with two of my friends tonight, I decided to do some research on the topic of sin and cussing. God shows how serious He is about not sinning by stating the following: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell,” Matthew 5:29. As my friend Josh said, “this is God’s way of expressing to us how important it is for us not to sin.”

So to conclude, I just want to set my new theory on this topic, that is – as followers of Jesus, we should not cuss, because it does not glorify God. To be more in depth, as followers how can we attract non-believers if we are cussing? In others’ eyes, if followers of Jesus cuss, we are being hypocritical in the fact that we claim to follow God, yet we are not glorifying God as we say we do with our tongues. Just as 1 John 1:6 says, “If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.” Our lifestyles should obviously be used to glorify God. Like I said above, if we don’t express a lifestyle that exemplifies God, then we will not attract any one who attempts to learn about God; We will only push them further away. Matthew 5:16 states, “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Keep this quote in mind as well: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." -Brennan Manning

God ALWAYS has an answer

When ever you feel that you cannot make it or have a negative thought, know that God has an answer for all of your thoughts!

You say: 'I'm afraid'
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear!
(II Timothy 1:7)


You say: 'It's impossible'
God says: All things are possible!
(Luke 18:27)

You say:'I'm too tired'
God says: I will give you rest!
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: 'Nobody really loves me'
God says: I love you!
(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: 'I can't go on'
God says: My grace is sufficient!
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: 'I can't figure things out'
God says: I will direct your steps!
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say:'I can't do it'
God says: You can do all things !
( Philippians 4:13)

You say: 'I'm not able'
God says: I am able!
(II Corinthians 9:8)!

You say: 'It's not worth it'
God says: It will be worth it!
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: 'I can't forgive my self'
God says: I Forgive you!
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: 'I can't manage'
God says: I will supply all your needs!
( Phil ippians 4:19)

You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'
God says: Cast all your cares on ME!
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: 'I'm not smart enough'
God says: I give you wisdom!
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: 'I feel all alone'
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you!
(Hebrews 13:5)

Thanks to my friend Ryan S. for sharing this with me!

Friendships/fear/jealousy/God in the midst of it all

Recently I have been thinking about a lot things-friendships being one of these things. I have realized that over the years I have had many friends. Looking back, would I consider these friends real friends, or did they even consider me a real friend?

Everyone knows that sometimes when you become good/best friends with someone you eventually assume that you and that friend will be friens for the remainder of your life just because of the way things may seem. Things go so good for a while, but then life gets in the middle of it all and that friendship may seem to fade away and eventually disappear. I hate that feeling. Even when you mention it to that person how you feel about it all, they may respond with, well remember the good times, that's all that matters and we will always be friends. This has happened to me recently with a friend who I never really talked to a lot this semester. Life caught the best of us, but when that is said to me I never seem to trust it. I guess you can say I feel scared about the entire situation. To be honest any friendship I have that is with a best friend I always feel scared about. I have always been scared of being rejected, or letting the best of life get in the middle of it all and allowing my relationships to fade away. Mostly because when I was in 8th grade year when my sister basically left in the middle of the day, the day before my birthday, and went back to Chicago without telling anyone anything. My sister and I were very close, and still are today, but when she left I felt rejected, more than ever before. I felt alone and just left hanging. I mean we were best friends, we told each other everything. She never even said good-bye or told me Happy Birthday before she left. This was the biggest rejection I have ever felt through out my life. As an 8th grader, 12 years old, you may think that you don't completely realize the details of everything that is going on, but I did realize it. I knew the exact emotion that I felt when I came home and saw that all of her stuff was gone. I wasn't sad or angry; I simply felt completely rejected. I began to allow that rejection to become my fear. Fear is not something that I should allow in my life, but I always have allowed it to take over a big portion of my life.

Although I have forgiven my sister, I have still allowed that fear of rejection to take over my life. I have done so many things in life to try and impress people or try and "fit in." Sometimes, looking back I wonder why would I allow my self to do that? Why would I let fear take over MY life? While my sister wants to pretend that her life is all jolly, I am sitting around wondering why I have always felt this huge burden of fear over my life. I have allowed so many friendships to crash and burn, because I allowed fear to take over many aspects of my life- especially my friendships. I realy wish that every good friend that I make in life will always be there, but in reality not everyone will, in which I have learned this the hardest way possible. Sometimes I regret allowing myself to let fear take charge, and not let God take charge. I did allow God to completely take over my life at one point in my life, but I slowly let Satan seep through the small wounds in my life that have not been properly sealed. I have been seeking God out so much lately on my friendships, and asking Him what I need to do to not feel this way, and tonight I have realized that it is simply fear- I am to not allow fear take over any aspect of my life anymore. I understand that not every friend will stay in my life for ever, but that I need to just cherish the time I have now with all of my frends, before it's too late, and I miss out on a good friendship in life, because I was too focused on my fear. I have now realized why I always feel as if I will eventually be rejected by the good friends that I have or have had in the past- simply because of fear.

I not only allowed the feeling of rejection to turn into my fear, but I allowed my fear to turn into jealousy as well. I see my best friends relationships with other people, and I assume that is how my relationship with that friend should be, but that is merely jealousy with fear and fear with rejection; the fear of losing that friend because I may not do something that one of their other friends does. I now realize why I have lossed friendships in the passed. The same thing with my friends and their sisters/brothers. I see how close they are to their siblings, because they are able to, their siblings are around, and I allow jealousy to take over my mind and then right with that fear comes in, and then I allow that to hurt my heart and think back to the day I was rejected by my own. I will no longer be thinking that way. I have let the rejection turn into fear and allow jealousy to step in as well. Like a friend said-they all coincide.

As my friend David stated in his blog that he posted earlier today, "Through this fear that is found in jealousy, you'll actually see it to start push people away from your life instead of keeping them there." That is a big thing that kind of hit me the most from his blog about Jealousy-Fear. It is so true, because I have experienced that! I allowed the jealousy/fear take over my mind and life, and that pushed people away from me rather than draw then towards me, and that is something I never want to happen in my life EVER again! I am determined to continue seeking God, and allow Him to begin taking over my life once again, like before!
God, To you I give my life, Not just the parts I want to; To you I sacrifice, these dreams that I hold on to, To you I give my future, because your thoughts are higher than mine, because your words are deeper than mine, because your love is stronger than mine....This is no sacrifice, Here is my life!
1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

The World & Discrimination

Tonight I have realized how ridiculous Americans can be. Tonight some have spoken. At the hotel that I work at, we had a huge Islam group there. The group was there to hold a fundraiser in our biggest ball room. They also took up three other banquet rooms that we have in the hotel. The group had their huge prayer at sunset in the very back of our lobby, which we were fine with. The group paid for their space in the hotel, and all they are doing is praying, so I don't see the big deal. While this was happening the MAVS vs. Spurs game is on tonight, and we have a ton of people in the lobby watching it. After the prayer was over, a lot of the people from the Islam group that were there decided to watch the game in our lobby, because we have a huge flat screen TV in there. Well not but ten minutes later I had a lot of guests coming up to me telling me that they are offended, because the Islams prayed in our hotel. They said "we paid for our rooms upstairs and I don't see why they can just pray in here. Everyone I am with is highly offended by this. This is private property. We should feel comfortable in the lobby, and quite frankly we do not feel comfortable at all. And why are their kids near the bar area it's against TABC rules." They are right, but their parents were with them, and they weren't sitting AT the bar, they were sitting in our lounge. This lady was just upset because they were part of the Islam group. These ladies continued on to say that "this is America and if we can't say God Bless America or sing our Star Spangled Banner in the lobby, then they shouldn't be able to pray." I went on to say, “Well how come you didn't sing the Star Spangled Banner. This is America, you do have the right to do so, just as they have the right to pray. They can sit in the lounge all they want, they are no different from you.” The lady just walked away from the front desk, and continued watching the MAVS game. She kept leaving the lounge and walking by the front desk, and wouldn't even look at me, so of course she maybe felt somewhat shameful of her self. Well 30 minutes later she walked by the desk with her other friends and said "I can't take this shit anymore I am going upstairs." I said okay.
I also had a guy who came to the desk and said "why are there so many dot heads in the lobby by the bar area. They shouldn't be near alcohol anyway. Where am I supposed to sit with my family and have some drinks and watch the game." I told them that they could go in the restaurant and have their drinks in there if they were in fat that offended by our Islamic guests that were sitting in our lobby. I also went on to tell him that he needs to get his facts straight if he wants to talk about people, when ignorant people like you call someone a dot head they are supposed to be referring to Hindu people, not Islams; Muslims who praticing the Islam religion wear hijabs. So before you want to discriminate someone make sure you actually know what you are talking about!!" He was furious, but I could care less! That was very disrespectful, and he made himself look like an ass. I have Islam and Hindu friends, so what they were saying HIGHLY offended me, because they were being such close minded ingorant assholes.

I realize why there is so much hate in this world. Islam is a religion just as Christianity is or any other religion. Why does it matter if they pray in the back of our lobby? If it were Christians in the back praying they wouldn't have said anything or not had such a big problem with it. This country is still full of discrimination, and now I see why other countries don't like most of Americans opinions. If this is America, and we are supposed to feel comfortable and free, then why did that lady ever bring that up. She obviously is being biased, because she is not allowing others to feel the same freedom as her. It’s like Americans now and day only want SOME people to feel free or comfortable and no one else, and this isn’t the way it should be! This is why there is so much chaos! Islam people should be able to feel comfortable to pray where ever they please, I mean this is America right-the land of the free. This lady that was appalled by what our Islam guests were doing, and she was very big on the fact of this being America. If she wants freedom than why only give it to the white person? How come it mattered if the Islam guests prayed in our lobby? It should NOT matter. Everyone has their own religion, opinions, and life styles. It is disturbing to me how people in this world say that they are tired of discrimination. "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the plank from the other person's eye" (Matthew 7:5). I think people like that need to take the plank out of their eye, before they try and say that there is too much discrimination in this world. It is appalling to me how people are now and days. It seems this problem has gotten a lot worse than people think. Then they wonder why this world is so screwed up. No one can get along, because they think that their opinion matters most!

Hypothetically speaking, we have the Republican white person who wants to continuously bitch about others religions and how they shouldn't be any other religion but Christianity, because all other ways of religion are all wrong. BUT then we have the Christian who says that gay people shouldn't be living the lifestyle that they live, that being gay is completely wrong and they are going to hell because of it. Then that turns the gay people away from Christians, when in essence, aren't the Christians supposed to draw people towards them so that they can show others who God really is….not by discriminating others and saying what they are doing is ALL wrong. So now we have gay people that stereo type all Christians because of those few Christians who have looked down upon them because of who they are and what they believe in.
I can continue on forever, but you get my drift-it seems like the domino effect to me in this world. I am disgusted with how people in this world act and how they are treating others. It is ridiculous beyond belief. If we all just accepted others as they are, I think that the world would get along much better than it does right now!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!!
I wish everyone would go by that....

Struggles With Sin

A friend of mine encouraged me to read Romans 7&8. So tonight I decided to read it. It explains the struggles man has with sin. It asks, "is the law sin? Certainly not!....But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous deisre. For apart from law, sin is dead. Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died." Romans 7:7-10. So I am a slave that has been sold into sin.
"For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me" (Romans 7:15-17).
I have always had the desire to do what is good, but it's just the fact that I could not carry it out. I wanted the relationship that I used to have with God, but I let the sin inside of me take control of me. All of the stuff in life that I have done is not the good I want to do, but the evil that I do not want to do, I keep on doing. It is sin that has been living in me that does. I have realized that when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. God instilled in us to delight in Him, but the sins of law, of man, of the world, take control of what one really wants to do. We are the prisoners of our own mistakes, of our own lives. People who don't understand the mercy of God seem to wonder who can rescue them, and they look towards other things to rescue them. They allow the dead sin that sits inside of them to take control of their lives rather than God. Over the last year and a half/two years, I have strayed away more than ever. I allowed the sin inside of me that is to stay dead, live. I have allowed the sin to live within me. I have always had Christ in me as well, but "as Christ [lies within me, my] body is dead because of sin, yet [my] spirit is alive because of righteousness" (Romans 8:10).
Without the righteousness in my spirit, the spirit dies and that allows the sin to take over and rise up within me, altering my thoughts, judgements, decisions, and life. "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5).

Romans 8 continues on to say that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I obviously was stuck in my own sin, allowing it to live within me, and not acknowleding God in any way at all. With sin our opportunities seize and disappear! God must bring us to our knees, and allow us to lay it all down to Him. Whether it is our fifth time to come back to God or our first, God accepts us as we are, and wants us to lay our entire lives down to Him, and let Him take control. He is the light to my day; I (my spirit) belong(s) to God.

We as humans, are dead to sin. It is up to us to let it live or not, because of God's free will.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23).

Handing it over to God

I have recently talked with a couple of friends over the last day, and they are going through some situations in life that they simply don't have too much control over. Some want to hand it over to God, some do not. Some simply feel that it is too tough to hand things over to God. As I have said in my other blog, I have not been close to God over the last year, maybe going on two years. Over the last 10 months I obviously had a problem and I did not want to hand it over to God. It's tought. But then there is always something that happens in life and you realize, well damn I think this is God talking to me, nudging at me telling me I need to talk to Him, I need to pray to Him, that he wants to take control of my situations in life. I do agree with my friends that it is very tough. It's ironic that even the friends with such strong faith in God even have a hard time dealing with this issue of handing it over to God. Maybe it's something that God has instilled in us, or maybe it's definitly the fact that He did give us free will. God gave us the free will to allow him to handle situations. We have to be humble and show humility towards God in order to do this! It is pride that holds us from allowing God to step into these situations in our life that obviously hold us from solving these problems. God says he wants us to lay down our pride. Proverbs 11:2 says that "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." So as we lay down our pride and be humble, God will step in and give us the wisdom to handle the status of these situations that are beyond our control.

Proverbs 18:12 "Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor."

Re-Evaluation

So over the last week, I have been trying to re-evaluate things in my life. For example, drinking. I have decided not to drink to get drunk anymore. Since I have decided that about two weeks ago, I have only had ONE drink. I now feel a lot better, and I seem to get so much more done through out the days. Over the course of the last ten months I feel as if those last ten months barely ever existed, as if they were just memories drifted away into the thin air that we breathe. I now feel good mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the last two weeks, I have been in the greatest of moods, and I couldn't ask for more.

Another thing that has been bothering me a lot are expectations. I always feel like others around me expect so much out of me. It is how I have always felt through out my life. I try and try to do the best that I can every day to impress others. Now, in my mind, why does it matter? I feel as if they are meaningless. I have also come to the realization that doing this annoys me; I can only imagine what my friends around me feel when I act this way.Will my impressions on people matter in the end when I die and am no longer living on Earth. I believe impressions are good, but they are not necessary enough for one to feel as if they must try and impress the people you call your best friends or family on a daily basis. If they really are your best friends or your family, what you do with your life should not matter, as long as it is not detrimental to your life.

Trust is a big factor with in any relationships-friendships, dating, or business related. Without trust nothing can be productive. When one finds out the other is not always completely honest or trustworthy, what is the point of that relationship that person may think. It does create a bit of a gap between the two now, but that one who is not completely trustworthy must work on that, and build that part of your relationship back up. If you choose not to, or be negligent towards this factor, then your relationships will soon crumble. The point is that if obviously someone is pointing this out to you, it is something you must work on immediately. One must be completely honest in order to allow their relationships to prosper and be continuous.

God- So as many people know, my freshman year of high school I was really into God. I had a fantastic relationship with Him. After freshman year, I began to completely drift away from God and His ways. My state of mind changed, my daily routine changed, what I listened to from around the world changed. My state of mind drastically changed on a lot of aspects in life. Not many of you who are reading this know, but in my mind, I feel as if I have been "church damaged." There was an incident that totally altered my mind about people within the chruch that I went to with my parents since I moved to Texas from Chicago. The people that I felt were the closest to me betrayed me. They made up stories about a certain incident, and even try to put the blame entirely on me. Naturally, the parents of those would believe their own children. These parents were good friends with my parents. These were the people who always told me, "Rudy if you ever need anything we are here for you" "Rudy if you need to talk let us know, we have all the time in the world" "Rudy you are an awesome young man of God" After this incident these were the people who made me feel not welcome anymore. Things were talked about, 90% of it not being true that those people may still believe is true which is sad, because they are supposed to be the loving people of God. This is what made me completely angry. The people who made it seem like I would always be safe when being at church or being around their families, the ones who told me "Rudy if you ever need anything we are here for you, we love you" were the same ones who condemned me. These were the same ones who started to get second thoughts of who I "really" was, and I am thinking to my self, shouldn't I be the one getting the second thoughts of them. Aren't they the ones who acted even more fake than they already were after the incident. They were the ones trying to keep my head straight for God other than my parents. Because of that, I havn't felt the presence of God in that church ever since I have gone there again. I left that church from under my parents, and began searching for another. Prior to this there were several other incidents, but by this time I surrender and allow them to be satisfied with their own selves. So this time it wasn't my first time searching for another church. I finally found one that I enjoyed going to, and I felt God's presence every time I was there. I made some pretty good friends there, and I can stay that I still hold on to those friendships with out a doubt. Even though I stopped going that church because lately I have strayed away from God, I still keep those relationships with the friends that I made there. The reason I stopped going to church there was because I simply just got burnt out with how I lived my life for God. I was burnt out from trying to find that one place that I could honestly feel that some people there notice me, and some people relate to me. A lot of what keeps our eyes gazed towards God, is the relationships we have that help us stay in that gaze towards Him. Without those relationships, there is no church, because a church is just a building. I recently went back to a church that is close to where I usually am at- near Richardson. I liked it a lot, but I havn't got to know the people well yet, because I have only gone once. The main reason I am explaining this is because I feel that the background of my relationship status with God includes all of the above on this topic. So basically, college started and I strayed away from God more than ever before. I was completely into partying and not caring about anything but that. I was drunk 90% of the time in the last ten months. I gained a lot of weight because of all of the drinking that I have been doing, and obviously sometimes when you're drunk you like to eat late at night and that I did. Two weeks ago I started feeling some complications with my chest. It felt as if someone was squeezing the hell out of my heart, and I definitly knew that something was wrong with me. Well the doctor in the hospital said it was some virus. He gave me medicine for it, and I guess the virus is away. I also went to my own personal doctor and got blood work done. I was fine. Since the time I went to the ER I stopped drinking, and like I said above I have felt so much better. Over the last week I have also tried my hardest to seek God out again. I did anything. I talked with God, I listened to praise and worship music, I prayed every night which was something that I hadn't done in a while. To my amazement, God was listening to me. Fantastic! So many things have come my way over the last week. My heart has been feeling fine, I feel so much more out going about life, my mind has been more open to others thoughts than just my own though I still struggle with this, I got a huge promotion at work in which I thought I woudn't get for a while. A friend of mine and I had a conversation the other night and it was brilliant. Me and him are on the same page about huge "mega churches" or even going to church in general. You don't need 8,000 people to have a church. Without true, real, down to earth, honest people who you can fellowship with and be completely honest with, there is NO CHURCH. The people make up the church, and God instills into each person the ability to fellowship with one another be there for each other to allow them to continue pressing on forward towards God. This can be any where. I can have church in my room, in my car, in a field, or at work. It does not matter if one goes to church; it is simply the relationships that you have with one another to aspire one another to continue having a strong relationship with God. I couldn't be more clear than that, and this is my story on church, and my development with the relationship I yearn for with God. As my friend mentioned last night about what Jesus said, "this is my command; love each other" John 15:17. My friend said that God truly desires for his followers to love one another and not have their focus on the entire world; God wants us to love who we know- our enemies, friends, family, the single mothers that we know, the broken people that we know that are around us daily. We must focus on them before/rather the entire world. ------"Jesus said love one another, not the entire world" -Mother Teresa

I have friends now that don't live their lives for God as I did when I was a freshman. I don't believe that is is necesarry for everyone to have a relationship with God the way I did when I was a freshman in high school. Everyone has their own way of loving God, the way I do it is my own personal way, just as everyone else. I know there is a God, I know what can come about in my life for seeking God out. Not everyone may agree; I am sure I have friends who will read this and not agree with a lot of what I say, but that is their own opinion. I don't dog on any one elses personal beliefs about anything in life, and I think that is the way it should be with any one. Having a relationship with God is just something that I haven't had in the last couple of years, recently especially.

A lot of people in life need some kind of relaxation. Some where to get away for just a minute. Over Spring Break I went to Puerto Rico. Although I was drunk every night it was good to just be away. When I got back I felt so relaxed and just refreshed, but I still needed something more than just a trip to get drunk on. I needed something to let my mind just go free for a semi long period of time. I recently went on a road trip with a great friend of mine to Kansas. You are probably asking your self, Kansas? Why the hell would someone want to go there. When my friend told me she was driving to Kansas for a day I said awesome I'm in. So I went. The night before we had a brillaint conversation, and I enjoyed it. My time spent with her on the road was also brilliant. Just being able to keep driving and driving relaxes me. Being in her ultra tiny small town of only 700 people, it was soothing to me. I have never been in a town of just that many people. I am from the big city-Chicago. Why in God's world what I go there- well because I knew it would relax me and chill me out, because I know that I needed it. As I was riding around in the car with my friend I just looked around at everything. I was amazed at the calm life style every one had in this area. Traffic consisted of 4 cars at a stop light. Very young kids could just sit at the corner and play games with one another and while the 18 wheeler passes by they signal for the truck driver to honk. Just the innocence of these kids amazed me. I suddenly realized that I yearn to have the heart of a child again. I have been so caught up with the technicalities of life, that I have lost any sense to just feel free to enjoy life, rather than always worry about something going wrong or worry what people will think of every single one of my actions, because like I said above, what does it matter when we all die what others think. After a quick stop to just enjoy the breezy sunny fields in the middle of no where, I felt completely refreshed, and I won't forget those kids that are able to feel naturally safe playing games at the corner with other friends.

Re-evaluating life has never felt more refreshing as it has been over the course of this last week.
These have been my thoughts over the last week and if you would, let me know what you think.

Feedback is always accepted :D